Letting Go

I have not written or posted in a long while. The other day my oldest was at summer camp and I went to a park close to our house with my youngest. It was such a beautiful day. It has been unseasonably cool for summer the past few weeks. It's been very bearable with just a little bit of humidity. While I was there, I started having these memories of when my oldest was less than 2 years old and physically remembering him being there running around in circles and going down the slide. It was very bittersweet as my oldest is about to embark on a new adventure: kindergarten. I felt sad, really, thinking about him growing up and how all of those days have gone by never to return again. Of course I still have those memories in my head of that day, which oddly felt like yesterday but in actuality had probably been over four years ago. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a bad mother, but I feel like I have been waiting forever for my oldest to go to kindergarten. We waited an extra year based on him being a boy, pretty introverted and based on the recommendations of his pre-school teacher that he would benefit from another year of preschool. At the time, it was hard for me to hear that my baby was somehow not ready for something like school because after all, hadn't he done many things early like walk and talk? I wanted him to hurry and grow up and be like everyone else and to do things on time based on his age. Yet now as the day is quickly approaching when he is finally going to kindergarten, I feel a part of my heart breaking and somewhat emotional about it. I know that this must be a common occurrence for most mothers as they realize that their child is growing older and growing up very quickly. It really does happen overnight or feels like overnight. This past year I have seen him grow so tremendously. He and his brother do fight, but more often than not, he helps me with his baby brother. The two of them have become little buddies. He actually goes off and plays with friends now at playdates and not clinging to my side. He has made new friends at the park to play with for that day. I realize that this milestone is a huge one and just a part of many milestones and many instances of where I and his daddy will be letting him go a little bit each day. It hurts a little bit, too, and tugs at my heart. Something I have been waiting for is finally happening and the way that I thought I would feel is quite the opposite of what I am actually feeling inside. I am of course overjoyed and elated and excited for him to have good experiences, to make new friends, to learn new things, and experience life as a 6 year old kindergartener. I loved my kindergarten teacher. I loved making friends and it was the only the beginning of the process of a lifelong love of education and school. I do worry about other children as times are different compared to when I grew up. There were no bullies by name. Of course, I do remember kids picking on me or teasing me because I was different. And I worry about kids picking on my child and how he will handle it or if it will grow to make him not like school. There were no stories of Columbine or Sandy Hook and thinking the unimaginable could happen at places where children are doing what they should be doing, being innocent children. These are some of the thoughts that are on my mind and in my heart as I prepare to let go just a little bit of a part of my heart tomorrow. This photo is one taken of that park, the one I have embedded in my memories forever.