A realization of all good things

My life is about to change in many ways. In just a couple of days, my son will be lucky enough to have his grandparents living with us. It seems surreal that pretty soon a couple more people will be added to our household. This is something we've been wanting and that they've been wanting. Yet I believe that change is always rather scary.

Recently my son has become very attached to me. He now has slept in our bed for over two weeks. We don't even attempt to put him in his crib any longer. One night I got him into his crib after he fell asleep for four hours. It becomes tiring. I don't feel like I get a good night of sleep. And when he wakes up in the middle of the night, the first words out of his mouth are, "Momma, momma" and then he climbs on top of me or takes cover in my arms before he goes back to sleep again. Some days I love it, some days I wish I could get a good night of sleep again.

I had been wanting to write a post for some time about sometimes I feel like a failure as a mom. I didn't breastfeed (well without the use of a pump), I didn't let my baby learn to fall asleep on his own, my son is a very picky eater and maybe I didn't offer him enough foods, disciplining and temper tantrums has been a challenge, etc. Yet last week I realized something. Nathan loves the computer. He even tries to type on the keyboard and control the mouse. I showed him and brought up some old videos of himself while trying to upload some pictures to Facebook. And he loved it. He kept signing and saying, "More. More." So I showed him more. I showed him videos that I had forgotten about. And I saw how he was fussy, and then I would hug him and comfort him in these videos. And a funny thing happened. He turned around while sitting in my lap and hugged me. He showed me love and affection that I had given him in all of his 19 months of life. It's like he was saying to me, "Mom, I see that you hugged me when I was sad. So now I'm hugging you." And then I realized that I am a good mom. I tried my best to breastfeed. I tried to do what was right in each and every of the situations above. I did my best as a mom and we did what worked for us and is working for us.

I also don't know how well we bonded in the beginning. We are so completely bonded now. And as hard as it has been at times, especially in the beginning for me, I am so grateful for this alone time we've had to nurture our relationship and strengthen our bond.